Based on the pioneering research and writing by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) about death and dying, it became common and helpful in our culture to talk about “stages” of grief. Over time, these concepts were adapted to fit all types of losses. However, these original writings were based on an individual coming to terms with their own death and did not address the many kinds of losses identified above. Many times the “stages” model was thought to imply that there is an ordered sequence that we move through and that we are either making “progress” or going “backwards” depending on how we feel. To be fair, Dr. Kubler-Ross recognized that her work was being used in a way she didn’t intend. She was quoted as saying that there are as many paths through grief as there are people. She also never intended the concept of “stages” to suggest that there is an order to be followed and that grief is a tidy set of sequential steps.

The stages that Kubler-Ross identified are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. All of these are valid concepts to consider when talking about grief. The stages are defined as follows:

But rather than thinking of them as stages, it can be more helpful to think of as experiences which may come and go in random fashion. Some individuals never have each of the experiences listed above.

With the types of grief we are discussing here, it can be useful to think about grief as a visitor that takes on many differing characteristics and emotions as it moves in and out of our awareness. These characteristics may include denial, sadness, anger, frustration, depression, loneliness, emptiness, or longing. Sometimes grief shows up with conflicting emotions, such as feeling relief that a sick parent is no longer suffering, while also feeling sad, lonely and empty because you can no longer be with them. Grief fluctuates. Sometimes grief doesn’t show up for days or weeks—and then it returns uninvited. We call these “grief bursts”. Grief includes the entire range of human emotion.

Another characteristic of grief is that it creates a movement back and forth between being engaged with life and being disengaged with life. We need the disengaged times in order to name and grieve our losses. This conserves our energy as we re-calibrate what things will look like as we move forward in our lives. We also need times of engagement with life, which can bring about helpful distractions from our grief, meaningful connections with others, and even times of enjoyment and laughter. If we find ourselves getting stuck in either engagement or disengagement for long periods of time, it can be helpful to consciously engage in the opposite types of behaviors in order to create some balance. For example, if you are stuck in disengagement, you might try reaching out to a friend or someone else who is struggling. If you are stuck in engagement and are avoiding painful emotions, you might spend some personal time journaling about your losses or reminiscing with old photos.

I also wanted to point out a couple of unhelpful things about grief that have slipped into our culture. One unhelpful thing you may hear is that there is a specific, acceptable period of time to grieve, after which it is unhealthy. I have heard people cite everything from 3 months to 1 year as an “acceptable” grief period. There is no science to back this up. Everyone has their own, unique timetable for healing. If you are concerned that you are feeling stuck, it’s always a good idea to talk with a therapist about it. Then you can decide for yourself whether it has become unhealthy for you. Another unhelpful thing can be our language about grief. You may hear people talk about “getting over” or “moving past” grief. There is no getting over, under, or around grief. There is only “through”. It is often more empowering to think of it as “moving through” and “moving forward” in grief rather than “getting over” it.

After all, if grief is the form that love takes when we lose someone precious to us, then we don’t get over grief any more than we stop loving the person we lost. What does happen as we heal, is that we hear less often from our grief and the sharpness and frequency of the pain decreases over time.

Healing step:

Though it is a common experience with grief to compare ourselves to others, it can sometimes be destructive if it causes us to become critical and judgmental of ourselves and our own journey. Using some of the metaphors and concepts from this module, do some reflecting on what your own journey has been. How has devastation or despair or depression shown up in your life? When have you been engaged and when have you been disengaged? How does grief impact you and how has it changed over time? Now practice saying this affirmation to yourself:

“This is my journey with grief and no one else’s journey is exactly like mine. It is unique and it is my own. I will grieve in my own way and in my own time, being kind, non-critical, and non-judgmental with myself. I will treat myself with the same kindness as I would treat a good friend who is suffering.”

References: 

Gregory, Christina, PhD (2021). The Five Stages of Grief - An examination of the Kubler-Ross Model. Psycom. https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

On death and dying. Author: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Publisher: New York : The Macmillan Company, [1969]. Christina Gregory PhD, 5/4/2021

Shear, M. K. (2016). Grief is a form of love. In R. A. Neimeyer (Ed.), Techniques of grief therapy: Assessment and intervention (pp. 14–18). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Move forward to Grief and Loss: Week Three