Permanent link for Understanding our own Grief and Loss in new ways. on April 20, 2020

Two weeks ago we discussed the idea that there are different types of grief. Sometimes there are “actual” losses that can be named such as losing out on fun times with friends due to moving back home or due to social distancing. Sometimes there are “anticipated” losses such as not being able to take a trip when the semester ends or the possibility that an internship or study abroad will be cancelled. Still other times, there are “ambiguous” losses. These are harder to pinpoint or name. Ambiguous loss can show up as a feeling of sadness or anxiety, that things will never be the same. Or it can show up as looking into the future and realizing you may lose out on important experiences and relationships. Perhaps as you are reading this, you can identify having losses in one or more of these categories.

Based on the pioneering research and writing by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about death and dying, it became common and helpful to talk about “stages” of grief. However, these original writings were based on an individual coming to terms with their own death and did not address the many kinds of losses identified above. The “stages” model also implied that there is an ordered sequence that we move through and that we are either making “progress” or going “backwards” depending on how we feel.

With the types of grief we are discussing here, it is more useful to think about grief as a visitor that takes on many differing characteristics and emotions as it moves in and out of our awareness. These characteristics may include denial, sadness, anger, frustration, depression, loneliness, emptiness, or longing. Sometimes grief shows up with conflicting emotions, such as feeling relief about not having to attend class again this semester while also feeling sad that you won’t see a classmate again. Grief fluctuates. Sometimes grief doesn’t show up for days or weeks. Grief can include the entire range of human emotion.

Another characteristic of grief is that it creates a movement back and forth between being engaged with life and being disengaged with life. We need the disengaged times in order to name and grieve our losses. This conserves our energy as we re-calibrate what things will look like as we move forward in our lives. We also need times of engagement with life, which can bring about helpful distractions from our grief, meaningful connections with others, and even times of enjoyment and laughter. If we find ourselves getting stuck in either engagement or disengagement for long periods of time, it can be helpful to consciously engage in the opposite types of behaviors in order to create some balance. For example, if you are stuck in disengagement, you might try reaching out to a friend or someone else who is struggling. If you are stuck in disengagement and are avoiding painful emotions, you might spend some time journaling about your losses or reminiscing with old photos.

I also wanted to point out a couple of unhelpful things about grief that have slipped into our culture. One unhelpful thing you may hear is that there is a specific, acceptable period to grieve, after which it is unhealthy. I have heard people cite everything from 3 months to 1 year as an “acceptable” grief period. There is no science to back this up. Everyone has their own, unique timetable for healing. If you are concerned that you are feeling stuck, it’s always a good idea to talk with a therapist about it. Then you can decide for yourself whether it has become unhealthy. Another unhelpful thing can be our language about grief. You may hear people talk about “getting over” or “moving past” grief. There is no getting over, under, or around grief. There is only “through”. It is often more empowering to think of it as “moving through” and “moving forward” in grief rather than “getting over” it.

- Les White, LMSW, CAADC

Posted on Permanent link for Understanding our own Grief and Loss in new ways. on April 20, 2020.