The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights

• You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
• You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.
• You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
• You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
• You have the right to experience "grief attacks." Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
• You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
• You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings and abandonment.
• You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she have to die?", "Why this way?", "Why now?". Some of your questions may have answers, some may not. Comments such as "It was God's will" or "He is better off", are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
• You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember, so instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
• You have the right to move forward in your grief and heal. It will not happen quickly. Grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. The death of a loved one changes your life forever.

- Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, Ft. Collins, CO (2016) 

It is important that we not pathologize grief. It is a normal reaction to a painful experience. The body is wired to respond to threat and loss through physical responses, emotional responses, and relational responses. You may have noticed a tendency in others—and even in yourself, to question if what you are feeling and what you are doing is “normal”. I like to remind myself that “normal” is a setting on a dishwasher but not a helpful way to think about humans. Often if we don’t fit the norm of what others expect from us or even what we expect from ourselves, we believe that there is something wrong with us. It’s important to realize that there is a big difference between feeling stuck and believing there is something wrong with us. The first is a feeling that will come and go. The second is a belief that only causes us to doubt and criticize ourselves, which is not the best approach to helping someone (ourselves included) dealing with a painful and distressing loss.

There are four (at least) types of losses:

1. Actual or specific loss—This is where we can identify and name a specific loss. It might be the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or our health. We can point to a specific thing or person and say that we have lost it or them.
2. Anticipatory Loss—These are losses that we may know are coming but are not here yet. For example, we may know that a loved one is ill and will die, so we grieve even though the person is still physically present.
3. Sudden Loss—This type of loss blindsides us and is shocking. We didn’t see it coming and it can be hard to believe that the loss has actually occurred.
4. Ambiguous loss—This term was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss (2000). These losses are ones that seem to have no end or resolution. Examples might include a loved one who is missing or a death which does not have a clear explanation or cause. Another example can be having mixed feelings about someone’s death. We may have simultaneous feelings of anger and love towards someone that we lose which can be very confusing. It can become difficult to move forward because it’s not clear what moving forward even means in these situations.

Healing Step:

Take a few minutes to jot down some thoughts. To what category or categories do your losses belong. It’s common for a significant loss to fit into more than one category. Can you begin the process of writing down what you have lost? It can be helpful to specifically name all of the losses that you have experienced as a result of the “big loss”, and losses you anticipate in the future.

Resources:

How to Deal with Ambiguous Loss

Grief Resource by Shelby Forsythia

References:

11/22/2016 Alan Wolfelt Ph.D: https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/11/mourners-bill-rights/

Boss, Pauline (2000). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press. ISBN 978-0674003811.

Move forward to Grief and Loss: Week Two